Up on the housetop...

From my home to yours I wish you a blessed Christmas.

And to those who don't celebrate Christmas I wish you all a glorious Saturday.



Giveaway Winner!!

Remember I posted about this giveaway? We have a winner. Random date generator picked December 5th as the comment day and then random number generator picked comment 2 made on that day. And THAT comment belonged to Brooke of TxtingMrDarcy!!

Tell them what she's won, Al!!

AL: Brooke has won a $25 gift certificate to... SEPHORA!! She'll be able to use it online or, if she chooses can have an actual gift card mailed to her and use it at the closest mall to her that HAS a Sephora. The octopus shaped mall that has many arms that go out from a central court area. You know the one, don't you, Brooke?

Thanks, Al. That's right, Brooke can now enjoy a luxurious Sephora gift courtesy of this blog!!

And you can win, too. The giveaway continues... a repeating giveaway, if you will. It will start over today and go until 1/22/11. How do you win? Read and comment. On any post, any day... every day. Spammers will be deleted and not counted.

So congratulations Brooke!! Email me... over there... to the right... down... right there or DM me on Twitter and let me know what form you want your gift card. A very Merry Christmas to you!! (Because I know who you are and that you celebrate Christmas... not because I just assume everyone does... just to be clear.)

A letter to Brett Farve -


[caption id="attachment_446" align="aligncenter" width="600" caption="Then & Now - The writing on the wall has been there so long it's fading..."][/caption]

Dear Mr. Farve,

I have never been a Green Bay fan or a Minnesota fan, but I have watched your career from afar.  You were pretty hot back in the day and easy on the eyes, to be sure.  Thought your cameo in Something About Mary was great, by the way.  But I think I can easily say for myself and probably on behalf of many others...  the sun has set on your... time in the sun.  About two years ago.

I think the goal of every person, but especially those in the spotlight, is not to end up as a cartoon character.  The butt...  or penis... of jokes.  Unfortunately, you've already passed that point.  You're sadly, not even a joke now...  you're a cautionary tale.  A lesson in what not to do in the twilight of one's career.  It's actually quite sad and I feel bad for you.  Truly.

While we're on the subject of penises...  penii?  Namely, yours...  I just want to say that I don't hold that whole penisgate against you.  I'm sure some women do, but I don't.  Odds are that woman was thrilled to be given attention by THE Brett Farve and she didn't even want to come out with the story.  Some friend of hers who she told about it leaked the story.  So yeah, I can't actually find fault with her, either.  Maybe on her choice of friends...  but people change.  Friends change.  I've experienced it,  so who knows what happened there.  But I don't hold your penis pics against you.  Just so we're clear.

I do feel bad that you apparently feel so empty about your life off the field that you feel the only place for you is on the field.  I mean I guess we see why now.  The Farve marriage does not seem to be on the most solid ground.  I don't hold the penis pics against you...  but you sent them.  Clearly all isn't well in the Farve household.  There would have been other options though.  Look at one of your contemporaries.  Troy Aikman, he came out of the '89 draft and you came out of the '91 draft, and he got out at the right time.  Before he became as much of a shadow of his former self as you have become.  He went out respected and now has a great career as a color analyst for FOX.  Given the way you're going to go out...  I don't even know if that's even going to be an option for you at this point.

I know you got your bell rung again last night so you won't be playing my Eagles on Sunday.  But I have to say, even if you were...  I wouldn't be worried.  You're no one to be feared anymore.  You don't strike even an ounce of dread in your opponents anymore.  That is the sign that it's time to go.  If you don't make your opponent nervous, you've got nothing.  And that?  That was a season ago... at least.

So, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you should just go... immediately... today.  You've got this concussion now.   So we're talking the last two regular season games you'll be out.  Don't go on injured reserve...  just go.  Go quietly.  For most of us, the ones that remember you in your full glory wearing the Green and Yellow...   you're already gone.


I'm over at Buy-Her.com today...

Go HERE. for my review of this:

When you're there I sleep lengthwise...

Our dogs have their own crates they sleep in at night.  They HAVE their own crates.  They refuse to USE their own crates.  They both cry until all hours of the night if we have them go to separate crates at night.  We eventually gave up the idea of them having separate crates and now they share the larger of the two.  There's room for them both, but personally, I like to spread out.

Apparently when Morgan is not in the crate...  so does Wilma.

When Morgan's there Wilma sleeps lengthwise, but when she's gone Wilma sleeps diagonally in her bed.



[caption id="attachment_429" align="aligncenter" width="502" caption="Making the most of her space before Morgan comes to bed."][/caption]


And kudos to all those who get the song reference.  My hat's off to you.

Ten things that will make your life better...

1.  At least once a day greet someone with the classic Jerry Seinfeld greeting... "Heeelllllllllo"  And if you can't hear it in your head, climb out from under the rock where you live and join the rest of us.

2.  When exiting to go somewhere, announce where you are going and then make the sound that was on the old Batman show after "To the Batcave!"  Do-dood-a-lee-doo!   "I'm going to lunch  Do-Dood-A-Lee-Do!"

3.  Quote Friends as often as possible...  because, obviously.

4.  Watch 1 episode of Family Guy a day...  just to ensure you laugh a little each day.

5.  Learn football and baseball.  If you learn them...  you learn to love them...  if you love them, you'll never have nothing to say in a group.   And for the love of God, root for your local team.

6.  Memorize The Princess Bride.  This will serve you well....  I promise.

7.  Pick some topic.  Any.  Learn everything you can about it.  Inside and out.  Then you're not just you...  you're the person that knows a butt-ton about (insert topic here).  This is especially effective if it's something unusual, but interesting.

8.  Learn to cook something fantastically well.  For the same reason above except with the food.  And unusual and tasty as opposed to interesting.

9.  Keep a clutter free home...  life...  desk... car.   It's liberating.

10.  Make something with your hands.  Pick something and either teach yourself or take a class.   Make things that stay.  It does the heart good.



Because I have no pride I will have prizes...

Update:  I feel I need to simplify this.  So here are the steps.

1.  A random day is generated each month.  The current month's date has already been randomly generated.

2.  The date is known to me.

3.  Comment, comment, comment on  any post.  Doesn't matter.  I can still tell the order.

4.  At the end of the month, in this case on 12/28/10 I will announce what the date was and also which comment was randomly generated as the winner.

5.  Prizes will be emailed out.  I will probably do all prizes via email as something that can be printed out and redeemed.  (Read Gift Certificates)

6.  Once the prize has been awarded, a new month will start.

7.  Rinse, Lather, Repeat.

You can skip reading what's below if this is your first time reading this post.  It says all the above in a much more confusing fashion.



Ok, so I have upwards of 50 visitor hits per day on this site and I have virtually no comments to show for it.  Comments are like crack to bloggers.  We just want to know there's SOMEONE out there.  Someone other than stupid comment bots with their "So happy to have found your site.  Your article was interesting and I think you would be interested in ABC site that has nothing to do with the post you wrote" comments.  They, obviously, don't count.

So, therefore, starting today one random day a month will be prize day.   I will put in dates from today until a month from today and randomly generate a winning day.  My post that day won't necessarily tell you that it's comment prize day unless it's a slow news day..  But once the day is picked and comments come in, I'll have the program randomly pick a comment and that person will get the prize.

So today is 11/28/2010.  Today I will put in 11/28/10 to 12/28/10 and get a date.   The comments can be on that day's post or any pther post.  I can still see the order no matter which post you comment on.  Once a winner has been generated I will let you know at the end of the month.  At which time I'll put in a new set of dates.


Any questions???

Like I said...  comments are like crack to bloggers and I'm jonesing for a fix.

*Prize values will vary but they won't suck.

*If this leads to any comment flooders, they'll be ineligibe.

Conversations of Married People

Upon driving down our road and turning into our driveway:

Husband: Oh, Reindeer.

Me:  What?  (looking around for neighbors' Christmas decorations and seeing none...)

Husband: Reindeer.

Me:  Oh my God, have you had a stroke?  What are you talking about??

Husband: It REINDEER!!  Today!!

Me:  (Upon realizing that "reindeer" sounds just like "rained here")  Oh yeah, it rained a little at work today, too.

Husband:  *blink*


Orlando bound in 2012!!

My husband gave me the news last night that the Delorean car show in 2012 is being held in Orlando.  ORLANDO!!!  And it's PERFECT timing.  My husband has never been there.  He's never gotten to hold Micky's hand or be twirled by Cinderella or get hugged by Chip and/or Dale.  And he needs to, ya'll.  He NEEDS to.  Never mind that in June of 2012 he'll be a month shy of 33.  And I'll be 34 and 1 month by then  (Gasp!) he NEEDS to before the world ends 6 months later... see?  Perfect timing.  I am determined to make sure we can afford to do it and therefore, starting in January of 2011 I will be saving $200 a month to pay for everything we will need.  That adds up to...  17 months at $200 a month...  $3400.  Ok, so that might not be totally enough, but I also get a substantial bonus in April and maybe, unless I find a better job or shoot myself in the head because I'm still at my current job, the NEXT April as well.  They usually are about $2400 after taxes.  And that???  Yeah, that's enough for two people to do whatever they darn well please in Orlando.  ORLANDO!!  Short of taking the heads off of one of the dressed up characters and traumatizing all kids under the age of 8 within a 50 yard radius.  THAT I don't think we'd be allowed to do.  Although it's totally a sadist dream of mine to do so.   Hmmmm....  maybe I shouldn't want kids so badly.

At any rate, along with the goal of having enough money to pay for the whole trip and taking the head off a dressed up character...  I also want to be able to go and walk around and see everything without having to stop all the time because my back and/or calves and/or knees and/or ankles hurt.   So yeah, that means I'm not going to be fat by then, either.   Which this actually might be attainable since I'm not going to have any extra money to buy, you know, food.  So I'm thinking two birds with one stone here.  Awesome!!

I'm already so excited about it.  And yes, we own a Delorean.  My husband is converting it to a Back to the Future II car.  Which, in and of itself is pretty badass.


[caption id="attachment_390" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="MICKEY!!!!!"][/caption]


We're going to go see Mickey!!  In Orlando.  ORLANDO!!!!!



Road Trip - Last Leg

We left Dallas on Thursday and started the trek to Arkansas to see one more person on our 3 visitation trip. 

Arkansas - You are beautiful.  We enjoyed you immensely.  Especially me as I did most of the driving that day.  But you do lend yourself to some odd dreams.  We woke up Friday morning in Harrison, AR and had the following conversation:

Husband:  I had some WEIRD dreams last night. 
Me:  Me, too!  I was chasing a serial killer all night. 
Husband:  I dreamt about these huge tall bridges and they were SO high and then they would just end and people were trying to turn around and there were 18 wheelers just stuck there.
Me:  The serial killer in my dream was Steve Carrell. 
Husband:  *blink*
Me:  I win.

So all day yesterday we drove... I drove...  and drove.   We finally decided to stop for dinner after hours upon hours.  In...   Indiana.   We ate and my husband took over driving.  It was about 10:15pm when we got back on the road.  We were intent on going another hour and a half and then stopping for the night.  And to that I have this to say:

Indiana - If you had no redeeming value to me before? Now, we are no longer on speaking terms again... ever. You see, we got on the road at 10:15pm. Approximately 4 minutes later, we stopped moving. Completely. Within 10 minutes all the truckers started turning their lights out because, you know, they KNOW. So we sat there... in Butt Crack Nowhere, Indiana. For an HOUR AND FORTY-FIVE MINUTES. And I hold you responsible for this, Indiana. Personally... or state-atorily responsible. Yes, the gentleman who crashed his 18 wheeler into a construction site is ULTIMATELY responsible. But I hold you responsible for his accident so the blame still lands squarely on your shoulders. Luckily for you I do not believe anyone was killed. The road wasn't closed nearly long enough for that to have been the case.
So at any rate... suck it, Indiana. I hate you.

Anyway... we are home.

*Just so I don't seem completely heartless....  we did check.  The driver ofthe truck was not seriously injured and the construction zone was not active at the time. *

Where the wind comes sweeping down the plains...

Yes, that's right.  Oklahoma.  I've been here since Sunday.  I'm leaving tomorrow.  Heading to Texas to see my friend and her 8 day old baby and then heading home.  We'll be home Saturday.

We didn't rent a car for this trip.  We took our own.  What?  You're surprised we drove?  From Pennsylvania?  I have a husband who doesn't fly.  We drive...  everywhere.  Oklahoma>  21.5 hours.  It was...  fun.

But my point is, normally we rent a car, but since my husband was needing to come here to pick up stuff for his DeLorean conversion to a Back to the Future II car, we took our wagon.  Thereby giving us no satellite radio.  We never rent a car without satellite radio.  Given the sheer length of trips we take, it's an absolute necessity.  But not this time.  Not on our longest drive ever.   We are also not iPod people.  Or CD people for that matter...  so the region by region hunt for radio stations was on.

So here we go...  the run-down.

From Southeastern PA to the Western border...  there was always a classic rock station to be found...  our genre of choice.  So PA?  Score.

West Virginia...  we were in you for roughly 20 minutes...  you get a pass since we only had to drive through your left pointy part near the top.

Ohio... we were on bad terms immediately given the fact that we drove through a BLIZZARD not more than 5 minutes into your blasted state.  And then?  The radio station horror was not to be borne.

Indiana...  my ex lives in Indiana.  You therefore have no redeeming value whatsoever.  But you do have a good classic rock station or two.

Illinois...  my husband insists on pronouncing you as you are spelled.  Supremely annoying.  And your radio selection isn't much better.  And the flatness.  Oh the flatness.  Could I get even a small mountain...  a hill?  A mound for the love of everything holy???

Missouri...  darkness had fallen by the time we hit your border and then drove halfway across you before stopping for the night in Springfield.  Radio station status?  A-ok with me and?  Great signal strength.  The stations we found had awesome staying power.

Oklahoma...  Between your weird turnpike with its refunds and the odd and obscure ways your drivers manage to have accidents and the road patching...  oh the road patching.  Radio stations were your only means to redemption...  and yet?  Out of approximately 40 stations around the Tulsa and OK City areas???  39 were country and 1 was Spanish...  and?  I think?  Also country.

So tomorrow we head to TX and then back home via a completely different route and one we've done before once we get to the northeast corner of Tennessee.  So that report will be forth-coming.

But yeah...  as it stands...  I've never been more convinced...  there's no place like home.

Plus?  I miss my animals.   Tons.



Also...  happy birthday to Miss Maddie Spohr.  You are not forgotten and you are forever cherished by those who knew you and loved you best and by those who love you via this box we sit in front of.  But it's all love and it keeps you with us.  So happy birthday, little girl, you are sorely missed.

Either you embrace the system or you don't...

I have been quite vexed by some of my fellow interweb acquaintances over the past 36 hours.   I will not name names as I do like these certain people and I would hate to exit their good graces.  But I feel the situation in general must be addressed.  Because of the vexing that I previously mentioned.

Yesterday twitter was literally besieged by talk of the election.  Rightly so, as it was an important one and record numbers turned out for this midterm.  Presidential elections always draw the crowds...  midterms, not so much.  I know here in Pennsylvania it was a big deal.  there was a Senatorial seat, several House seats and a Governorship up for grabs.  It's not the first time these positions have been on the chopping block, but I will admit this is the first time I have ever voted in a non-Presidential election.

There was as much up for grabs in other states as well, so obviously the chatter was to be expected.  What was not expected, by me, at least, was the spiteful nature of it all.  Do we not live in a democracy?  Is not the right to vote and have our ideals represented by those who we feel will best represent our best interests one of the greatest parts of this country?  I believe it is.  And while I have not always voted in every single election, knowing that this is the process our country is run on makes me very proud.  I don't have to fear being tortured, harassed or assaulted when I go to cast my vote.  There are numerous places, I'm sure I don't have to tell you, where this isn't the case.  Where voting is as dangerous as going to a drunken frat party dressed like a whore.   And yet, people in countries where that is the case value the right so much that they will risk whatever it takes to go cast their vote.  All we risk is losing some time while we stand in line.  Our country is beautiful in that regard and our election procedures should be held dear.

I wanted everyone to get out and vote yesterday.  EV-ER-Y-ONE.  And you know why?  Because I truly believe unless we all get out and vote we will not get the outcome that the majority wants.  And if we don't get the outcome that the majority wants...  then what's the point of holding elections at all?  I was saddened yesterday to see comments asking one political affiliation or another to "forget to vote" or saying "get out and vote unless you're (political party), then stay home".  What good is a REPRESENTATIVE government if it doesn't represent how the majority feels?

Was I happy when Bush "beat" Gore?  NO.   Was I happy when Bush beat Kerry?  NO.   Was I happy when Obama beat McCain?  YES.   At any time did I want people not to vote?  NO!!   Again....  NO.   And I feel that wanting people to stay home because you feel their views differ from yours AND you feel there might be SO MANY of those people out there that they might affect change is completely and decidedly un-American.

So the elections came and went, except for a few that I think are even still being decided...  and TODAY?  Today I daresay is worse than yesterday.  Because today the insults started.  The cries of calling people less than smart if they dared to disagree with one point of view or another.  You know what?  Yesterday displayed the best of what this country is.  And I'm not talking about the outcome in terms of political party, but just in the mere fact that many, very many people were apparently unhappy with how things are going and they were able to voice that and demonstrate it.  For all the complaining that the everyday person does regarding politics, the only time those people actually DO have a voice that matters is at election time.

Our ability in this country to effect change and have the chance to make opinions heard and make them matter is the very best of this country and I love it.  Win or lose, I love it.

If people disagree with you...  they are not stupid, feeble-minded or lacking mental faculties.  They're just people who happen to disagree.  And they probably have their reasons... just as you have yours.   How can we expect our government to cooperate and engage in productive discourse if we are not willing to do so ourselves?

You can't just love the system when you win...   Either you embrace democracy all the time or you don't embrace it at all.

A fattie's point of view...

Ok, so we all know by now that a ton (no pun intended) of drama has arisen due to the article by Maura Kelly that was done for Marie Claire about fat people. The outcry has been just stifling. This tells me a few things. One... non-overweight people who defend overweight people are awesome. Two... Overweight people are awesome. Three... there are far too many overweight people. I am one of them. So don't get me wrong. I'm not skinny minny Maura Kelly judging others. In fact that's not even what I want to talk about.

I more want to respond to this post by Aunt Becky about how fat people are treated. And yes, being fat, I know that we are treated differently by some people.  Those people?  They judge everyone for one thing or another.  I know the ideas that ARE out there about overweight people.   We are prejudged as being lazy, unclean and odoriferous. Yes. I know this. However, I truly believe that a lot of the prejudices that we feel are being unjustly levied... aren't really. Being levied, I mean. Not that they wouldn't be unjust if they WERE being levied, because they certainly would be.

I have always worried when going on a job interview about being fat and having that keep me from getting the job. It has never happened. I am always self-conscious about what I order in restaurants because I think people are looking. For the past year I've taken some time to look around and you know what? People aren't looking. Now before you start thinking that I'm only a little overweight and that's why I don't notice any backlash.. that is not the case. I am 100lbs overweight. I wear a size 20. I'm not a 14 or 16 that still looks fantastic even though I've got some chubba to spare. I am just fat.

I am completely self-conscious about my weight, don't get me wrong, but when I go out to stores... men do hold the door for me because 1. clearly they see me coming and 2. I'm looking at them as I walk up. There's no way for someone to look at you and then deliberately not hold the door. But if you're overweight and visibly self-conscious about it... like looking down when you walk... then it is easy to be ignored. Regardless of size. At store counters and registers... I LOOK at the clerk in their eyeballs and I've never had one deliberately NOT look back at me. When I smile, they smile back and I'm not all that attractive. I don't even have the "she's got such a pretty face" going for me... so that's not it either. It's confidence. Regardless of size, people have always been and always will be attracted to confidence.

Am I confident? No. But every time I'm out there and I act confident and in turn I'm not treated like "the fat girl" does it boost my confidence... absolutely.

I guess I'm saying all of this to say... don't act like the ashamed fat girl. Be proud of yourself even if you aren't happy with how you look and you want to change it... still be proud of yourself. Of the person you are inside. And it will shine through. You will be surprised how many of those slights that you see and feel everywhere now either fade away or were never there at all.

Trust me. We are not invisible. I think THAT much is obvious. :)

30 Days of Truth - Day 5

Something you hope to do in your life... 

Also easy.   I hope to be a mom.  It is my deepest desire.  When I was 23 I had a procedure called a Uterine Artery Embolisation.  I had this because I had a fibroid tumor the size of an orange in my uterus and it wasn't really IN my uterus or OUTSIDE my uterus...  it went from the inside to the outside.  Meaning if I had surgery to remove it, a hole would have been left in my uterus.  A big one.  It would have healed, of course, but that part of the uterus would have forever been weakened and my lady doctor told me that she'd had two patients who had lost late-term pregnancies who'd had that type of tumor removed and she wasn't going for three.  If I wanted it removed, then when I got pregnant someday I'd have to find another doctor.  Now I love my doctor, so I wanted to know other options and one of them was a UAE.  Not many had been done, but at that time all of them that had been done in the US had been done by the same Dr. and he happened to be in Philly.  Which is great because I'm pretty much there.   So, long story short, I had the surgery...  it was successful and my tumor is roughly the size of a ping-pong ball down from an orange.  Not bad.   But I will have complications with pregnancy and I will need to deliver by C-Section if and when the time comes.

All that being said...  here I am at 32 childless because we can't right now.  There's nowhere in our home to put one.  Our house is TINY.  So, now I'm getting older...  so my risks are going up, at least marginally, each year AND I have the risks the UAE contributed.  So I do fear that my greatest desire to be a mother will never be fulfilled.  

So that's that.  I'm terrified I'll never get to be a mom.  I hope... I HOPE...  to be a mother.

30 Days of Truth - Day 4

Something I have to forgive someone else for...

I know to forgive is divine, and I do believe that forgiveness does not need to be asked for in order to be given.  That said, I am not without my things that just have not been able to bring myself to forgive some people for.

I feel the biggest of these, because it includes family, is my aunt.  My mom's sister - for not attending my wedding.  It crushed me.  It crushed my mom.  To this day I don't understand it and I think that is what is keeping me from getting past the bitter to a place of forgiveness.  I do not need my aunt to ask forgiveness...  but I need to understand why.  and I cannot bring myself to ask her.  I just can't.  It changed how I see her.  Forever.


A little Halloween trick...

Man stabbed on Halloween by person in Gorilla suit.

In the gorilla's defense... the man came to the door dressed as a poacher.

Oh, come on. That's FUNNY! The guy didn't DIE for chrissake!

Conversations of married people....

After eating at Subway:

Husband:  The only bad thing at this place is pulling out of here is a pain in the ass.

Wife:  Unless you're going left...  I mean right. 

H:  No, left.

W:  I said 'Unless you're going right.'

H:  I thought you said left.

W:  No, right.

H.  Oh UNLESS you're going right...  right.

W:  Correct.

H.  Right.   Yeah. 

And then we look at each other and smile.

Common Sense vs. Testosterone

Yesterday a fundamental difference between my husband and myself was made so very clear.

You, most of you anyway, probably don't know that Back to the Future is BIG in my house.  Like BIG, like if I had to compare something big in size to something else I would use the importance of Back to the Future to our household as the biggest thing ever. 

So you might imagine the movie being released on Blu-Ray yesterday with like an hour of special features was kind of a notable event.  Is it big to both of us?  Well let me put it this way...  before I met my husband, 7 and a half years ago, I'd seen none of the 3 movies all the way through and the 2nd one not at all.  Funny, because now the 2nd one is my favorite.  I've met Bob Gale, the writer and producer.  I've met Claudia Wells, the original Jennifer, I've met James Tolkien who played Mr. Strickland.  OH and we have a Delorean in our garage that my husband is converting into a movie car.  So yeah...  Back to the Future =  Big Effing Deal in the Hamlet's Mistress casa. 

I pick my husband up from work and he tells me we're going to Barnes & Noble because all over the interwebs NO ONE is able to find the Blu-Ray.  He tells me if Barnes & Noble doesn't have it then we're going to the mall to Suncoast.  If they don't have it we're going to Best Buy and then if they don't have it we're going to Target and if all else fails...  Wal-Mart, though he's certain they don't have it.   So I ask him why we don't just call.  He wants no parts of it.

While he is in Barnes & Noble not buying the Blu-Ray because they don't have it...  I'm 411-ing my tuchus off to find it so that we don't have to drive all over God's creation at rush hour to find it.  I call Suncoast...  Nope.   I call the Best Buy that's on the way home...  Nope, BUT their store that is about 15 minutes in the opposite direction from the way home has ONE.  They give me the number and I call there...  Nope.  Just sold.  JUST. SOLD.  So then I call Wal-Mart just on a whim.  My husband comes out of Barnes & Noble...  dejected... and gets in the car while I'm on hold for the electronics department.  Do they have it?  Yes.  Are they sure it's the Blu-Ray and not the regular DVD...  Yes.   Can they put one back for us....  Yes.  

So my husband would have had us out on the road for about an hour and a half while he went in and out of places getting madder and madder because HOW could these places not have gotten FULL SHIPMENTS!?!? whereas I, for $1.50 in 411 charges located it, secured it and then drove us to go buy it at a store 2 miles from home where  he was SURE they wouldn't have it. 

Potentially driving all over creation - $10 in gas

Listening to my husband rant and rave after each unsuccessful trip:  A small part of my soul.

Getting to save the day and be smug and see once again why women are the fairer and more sane sex:  $1.50

A happy husband:  Priceless.

There are some things in life money can't buy....  this?  Wasn't one of  'em.

30 Days of Truth - Day 3

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

This may be the easiest one and it's going to be short, sweet and to the point. 

I have to forgive myself for getting fat.  It's something that I can't seem to ever get over being mad at myself for.  Until I accept it and forgive myself for it, I don't feel like I will ever be successful in any attempt to lose weight.  I have to accept that the weight is here, that it's my fault that it's here and stop being pissed about it before I can make the positive changes necessary to fix it.

So yeah, at this rate I should finish my 30 days of truth somewhere around 2013.

Battle of the double X chromosomes...

This is a post that has been weighing on me for while now.  I am certain it's not going to come across eloquent or well crafted because what comes from my heart is seldom put together in a nice tidy round and polished package.

I am more into the whole blogging/tweeting/social networking thing now than I ever have been before.  I am reading more, being read more and getting to know other women out there in the interwebs more than I ever have before.  Because of this, I see more opinions, more arguments and more complete arrogance and more attitudes of superiority than I ever knew were out there.

I now firmly believe that this whole social networking thing is both equal parts blessing and curse.   A blessing, of course, because people who need support, help, comfort and a general feeling of being propped up at the darkest of times can find it just by turning on their computer.  And that???  That is awesome.  I know I have women out there that I have grown very fond of.  Some of them don't even know I exist.  Women like Maria, Becky, Anissa,  and Brittany among several others. There are also women that I'm actually getting to know and it's a two-way street rather than me admiring them from afar like the previously mentioned. Women like Stacey and of course, my dear Brooke.

That is the awesome part of this whole thing. Awesome. For real. The blessing.

There are times, though, that the awesome just seems to get drowned out by the voices shrieking out "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!!!!" I find this so heart wrenching. There are battles being waged out there that I didn't even know about until I started to get more active and expanding out into the interwebs to actually see what people had to say. And you know what? Women are so critical of each other. Every woman knows, this, of course. However, it always used to be contained to your friends, your neighbors and your acquaintances... the ones that are outside the screen we sit in front of now. It seemed smaller. And friendlier. Two close friends having a conversation about their opinions and methods and perspectives was something to be cherished and was almost always done lovingly and with kindness.

Now, we women, we sit behind these screens and we put our fingers to the keys and feel... I don't know... self-important enough and qualified enough to judge how others live their lives, raise their children, cook their food and buy their groceries. And again the cries resound of "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!!"

I am not a mother. I pray everyday that I will be one at some point. It is my most aching desire. I don't know if I ever will or if I even CAN for that matter. So it pains me when I see mothers going head to head. Criticizing each other for choices made in the best interest of one's own children. Breastfeed vs. Formula - Immunize vs. Non-immunize - Home school vs. Outside school - Public school vs. Private school - Spanking vs. Non-spanking... everywhere I turn the arguments are had and the criticisms are levied and it's not a loving conversation between friends anymore. The computer has made people downright vicious and mean with again the resounding criticism of "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!"

I can't imagine that being a parent is easy. I don't believe any major decision of parenting to be simple. Parents make tough choices everyday about the kind of life, patterns and routines they are going to set up for the little ones they hold most dear and are passionate about protecting. These decisions cannot be made easier when there are a half million other mothers out there who disagree. I do understand that by having a blog and putting your life, your choices and your decisions out there that you risk criticism... almost invite it, even. But to just sit anonymously or even unanonymously behind a computer and spew venom and judgements and insults just doesn't make sense to me.

It goes beyond parenting, too. I'm fat. I hate being fat. I'm trying or at least wanting to try every day to not stay fat... but just like with the parenting, there are groups out there downright militant about fat acceptance and if you're one of the fat and want to be thinner for whatever reasons? If you dare to leave the group to do what feels right to you for your life? Those militant groups (and not all of them are militant, but they're out there) get angry and the cry rings out again... "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!!"

I think everyone, in general, knows that it's good to buy local, buy organic and to bake instead of fry. I think everyone knows that it's good to be environmentally conscious and try to do as much as possible to preserve as much as possible. These options are not always possible and oftentimes very cost prohibitive. It's just the truth. I can't always shop at my local market for beef at 4.25 a pound when it's at the local Giant for 3.05. No, the cows are probably not grain fed, free-range, massaged and then lulled to sleep by an angel's harp before they are kindly and gently euthanized. But in a life where every paycheck is spent before it's even earned, not everyone can worry about that. Most people just have to do what they can to get the food on the table and into the bellies of their family so they can sit down at a dinner table together to discuss the day. Sometimes it's hard to hear, though over the constant droning in the background... "You're doing it wrong."

What is WITH us? At what point did it become ok to treat each other this way? And we wonder why some kids are bullies. When you hate on people making decisions that differ from yours and belittle and berate how can you then turn around and publish a post on tolerance and love? I don't understand why we feel the internet gives us the right to condemn anyone simply for decisions they make in their daily lives.

I want women to support each other, understand each other, agree to disagree on the choices in life and love each other because only we, as women, know what other women go through. A screen and a keyboard can give us the ability to do wonderful things for each other if we'd just stop tearing each other down. End the constant cries of "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG." and just allow women to do the best they can. That's all we can ask of each other and it's all we can ask of ourselves. Doing it differently is not the same as doing it wrong. If your choice is different from mine, that's all it is. Different. Not wrong. Not better. Just different. If you want to converse about differing opinions, do it as if the person is right there... with you... at the breakfast nook having a cup of tea with you. Bring back the compassion, love and understanding. Those are the greatest natural traits we women have... USE THEM... always.

We need to encourage each other. We are all women. And we're all just... doing it... the best we can.

Suppressed memories...

I went through a pretty bleak time about a year after college ended.  Nothing made sense and getting through another day seemed like too big of a task to handle.  And sometimes?  I just didn't want to and considered just throwing in the towel more than once.    

You see...  there was this guy.  I met him at a summer job between my freshman and sophomore years of college.  He was my supervisor, but we were the same age.  The draw between the two of us was so strong it was ridiculous.  Everyone saw it.  WE saw it, but what were we to do?  He'd have lost his job.  It was NOT a summer job for him.  So I ended up dating some loser guy for a month or so always wanting and longing to be with the one I just KNEW was who I was supposed to be with.  He ended up dating some creepy girl who later wanted to beat the crap out of me.  And it went on like that for 3 long, insufferable, but wonderful months because through it all I still got to see him every day. 

The time came for me to head back to school and we were both distraught.  Odd, since we'd never spent one moment together as more than line supervisor and cashier, but the connection...  it had muscle.   He even cried when he said bye to me.  I was, of course, sobbing.  And then?  Two nights before I left to head back to school - only an hour away at that point since I was at a satellite campus and not at the main campus of PSU yet, the phone call came.   Could he stop by?   Um...  YES!!  

He showed up with a stuffed teddy bear and a single rose.  We stood on my front porch under the porch lights and he told me he told the creepy girl that it just wasn't going to work out and then told me that if I wanted to try to make a go of it....  we could try to make it work.  Oh my heck.   I don't know when I've ever been so happy.  It was a magical moment to be sure. 

So we spent that year with him visiting me up at school and me coming home almost every weekend and we worked it out.  It was wonderful.  Was it AS wonderful as I thought it would be?  In retrospect...  no, I guess not.  The teasing and the playful picking on me that he did, I thought, to just get my attention when we worked together continued once we were together.  And at times it took on a much sharper, much more critical edge....  but was always masterfully weaved into joking so I was none the wiser.  

He never would tell me he loved me without me saying it first.  Which Hello??  Could there be any bigger of a red flag ?  And on the rare occasion that he did it was always an "I love ya." never a "you".   After a year together...  it all did start to weigh on me.  The teasing, the inability to profess his love...  and though it killed me...  I ended it. 

We stayed in touch.  We bowled together during the summers.  I was on a league with him, his best friend and his dad.  So the summer between sophomore and junior years and junior and senior years I bowled with them.  The summer before my senior year we were both dating other people who both showed up at bowling from time to time...  how could they not, right?  We were bowling with our ex's once a week.   I'd have judged both his girlfriend and my boyfriend if they didn't show up unexpected from time to time.  But, oh, that summer was brutal.  When she would show up at the alley it was like a dagger to my heart.  And I made sure to be over the freaking moon when my guy showed up.  I mean all's fair in love and war, right?  I could see the hurt in my ex's eyes and I reveled in it all the while knowing the next time his girl showed up, I would be so in for it. 

Over Spring Break of my Senior year, he called me and asked me to have dinner and come bowling.  As neither of us were with our significant others anymore I agreed and we had a lovely fun evening with a lot of laughter.  At the end of the night he so wanted to say something.  I could tell.  There was just SOMETHING.  But whatever it was, he couldn't do it and we parted ways and I headed back to school for the final 6 weeks of my college career. 

I emailed him upon getting back to school and thanked him for the nice night.  I got a WHOPPER of an email back.  He told me that there had been so much he wanted to say to me during the night and it was the REASON he asked me to go out to begin with but the time never seemed right and when it was right he'd built up too much pressure on himself to do it and he got nervous and chickened out.   But that he loved me.  And that he always had and always would.  How he knew it hurt me so much when he never used to be able to say it, but that he'd grown up a lot in those 3 years and he was certain that he loved me.  He said he realized how much he took me for granted and how the things he said to me weren't funny or playful.... that most of the time they were just mean and he didn't know how he could have done that and not seen what it was doing to me.  And since school was almost over and I was coming home for good soon...  could I, did I think, consider giving him another chance. 

Oh, I tried to be standoffish.  I told him I'd think about it.  That he'd hurt me in so many ways.  But I already knew that I'd be out with him the first evening I was back home.  Which was close.  I got home to stay on May 13th, 2000.  Our first date was May 15th.    It was wonderful for a while.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I thought at the time that it was always wonderful.  I know now that it wasn't.  But for the first several months he was everything he said he was.  Mature, attentive, loving, considerate...  oh, he still teased me and joked...  but in the beginning it really was harmless.  Around the 5th month or so he started to fall back into his old ways, but I didn't even care or see it, I think.  I was head over heels and I knew he was the one. 

We talked about when we'd be married all the time.   And not just with me brining it up.  Him, too.   And then? The bomb dropped.  His mom, who was ill of health, made the decision that the family was moving to South Carolina.  The day he told me, I thought I'd die from crying.  But he held me and whispered to me that it'd be ok and we'd figure it out and find a way but that since he was out of work and there was a job waiting for him down there, he was indeed going.  From then on when I would get sad...  he would hug me and tell me it would be ok.  He had a plan.  And then he would lay out the plan for me every time I got upset.  He was going to get down there and start working.  When he got back on his feet he was going to find us an apartment.  Then he was going to come up here for a few months while we planned our wedding and got married and then we'd move me down there after the wedding.  He must have recited that plan to me at least a dozen times to the point where I was certain it would happen. 

And then May, 2001....  we said goodbye.  I wept as though my heart had been viciously torn into a thousand pieces...  and indeed it had been.  He looked in my eyes and told me the plan one more time.  Kissed me.  Hugged me fiercely and then sent me off.  And then?   I didn't hear from him again.  I know what you're thinking.  Tragic car accident wiped out the family on the way to South Carolina.   Sadly, no such luck.  They got there.  They're still there.  Except for his mom, who passed away a year after they moved down there, as she knew she would.  I think that was always the reason she wanted them to move, so that when she was gone they'd be near family.   So yeah, that was it.  He never called.  He never emailed.  He never...  meant any of it.  

To say I was devastated would be the understatement of the millennium.  I was destroyed.  A shell of a person.  I didn't eat.  I didn't sleep.  How I didn't get fired from my job I will never ever know.  I think they took pity on me with seeing my state of mind.  I spent a month waiting for him to call.  Then two.  Then three.  I remember nothing from that time except excruciating pain and laying facedown on my bed wailing while my mom would rub my back and cry with me because she couldn't help me and couldn't reach me.   Dying.  I thought about dying all the time.  And then I thought about finding him and killing him.  I'm certainly glad I didn't go through on either of those things.  All rational thought was gone.  To this day I only attribute my survival and his to my deeply rooted knowledge of right and wrong.  Had I grown up and lived in a world where those terms had more ambiguous definitions...  I don't know that either he or I would be alive today.  

Needless to say I came out of the dark.  I eventually made it through to the other side where hope and happiness seemed possible once again.  And, of course, they were.  To this day I'm grateful to the guy I had a short 3 month relationship with from October to January following the May departure of THE GUY.  That little relationship did wonders for me going forward in my life.  THAT fellow was sweet and complimentary and romantic and showed me what I deserved and helped me realize what I'd been through and what I'd ALMOST settled for.  He took the heartbreak that I'd been through and just through his actions showed me it wasn't a big loss and helped me see the sheer size of the bullet I'd dodged, through no action of my own. 

But...  I do have to say...  that although I only think upon those times every once in a very rare while, there is a song that can take me back to that place and to that time in a moment and drops me instantly to my metaphorical knees.  It was extremely popular right at the time the "love of my life" was getting ready to leave and every time it came on the radio, which was ALL THE TIME, reduced me to sobbing every time.  And now?  These days?   It will spring a tear or two to my eyes.   It immediately takes me back to that most painful time in my life and though I'm not still sad about what happened?  I'm sad for that girl.  The one wailing on her bed.  I wish I could tell her that I've seen the other side and that she does get there and that she's a better person for it.  I hear the song and I see that girl and a couple of the tears that were wept  in the hundreds of thousands all those years ago make it all the way to the here and now and cloud my vision for a moment or two until I blink them away.  I have a feeling this song will have me blinking away tears for years to come.

I think I've already lost you.   I think you're already gone.  I think I'm finally scared now.  You think I'm weak...  I think you're wrong.
I think you're already leaving.  Feels like your hand is on the door.  I thought this place was an empire.  Now I'm relaxed, I can't be sure.
And I think you're so mean.  I think we should try.  I think I could need this in my life and I think I'm scared  I think too much.  
I know it wrong but it's a problem I'm dealing if you're gone,  baby you need to come home.  There's an awful lot of breathing room, but I can hardly move.  If you're gone, baby you need to come home.     
There's a little bit of something me in everything in you.

The day before me...

It's 9am and I'm still in bed.  I have a myriad of things to do today and even though there's nothing large to be done, I think I'm overwhelmed.  I suppose first I ought to explain why I haven't been here in like, nigh on a week.   Nigh on...  you like that?   I love old phrases people don't say anymore like "per near".   I love whipping out "per near" when appropriate and seeing how people react.   At any rate, I wasn't here because I was sick and one of my cats was sick and then I was REALLY sick.  Except for some crap in my throat and no voice, I'm better now...  so is my cat.  All he needed was a remedy.  HA!  All I needed was a miracle, all I needed was you.   Ok.  Geez, enough with that.  I'm so all over the place.   So anyway everyone is better, though that terrible cold and allergic reaction to Claritan D (note to self, you CANNOT take Claritan D) per near killed me.  (Eh? Eh?). 

My husband left like a half hour ago for another photography job.  This one is all day.  He asked a bunch of times if I wanted to come and help, which hello?, of course not.  That's another Saturday with several hours to call my own and do with what I want.  So then last night when the Rangers clinched the ACLS I said to him "YAY!!  That means the Phillies will be a night game tomorrow and you'll see it!"   He said, "Yeah, maybe the last hour of it, the last game I shoot tomorrow starts at 8."   WHAT????  When he'd told me it was an all day assignment I figured it meant he'd leave at like when he did and get home around 5 or 6.  Um...  no.  ALL DAY and he'll be home around 9:30.  So then he was like "Now you see why I thought you might want to come?"  To which I followed with "And all that guy was going to pay me was FIFTY BUCKS????"  So glad I stood firm in not wanting to go because hooo boy, if I had agreed to go and then found out last night that it was like REALLY all day???  I'd have not been happy.   And $50 bucks?  Really?   The only downside???  I now have to watch the Phillies game all stressed out and on the edge of my seat alone!!!  I mean I'll have the dogs and the cats, but they're not really gonna care.   They're just going to get annoyed with my yelling (in my little half voice) hopefully I'll be yelling a lot of "YEAH!!!!!!" and not many expletives.

Anyway, I have stuff to do today.  Remember that froggie headed blanket I finished like months ago?  Well, I'm actually going to send it out today so this morning I need to weave in a couple ends and wash and dry it and get it to the shipping place.  OH!  I need to sew one of my tags on to it, too.   Hmmmmm.....   Before shipping it I need to buy a card and write some hugely profound and lovely thing for my best friend who will be a mom in 11 days...or less.  I actually broke down and just sobbed last night when I thought about it.  I mean I am so happy for her.  SO COMPLETELY HAPPY and so excited and am also so excited that I'm actually going to see the baby about a week after she's born.  I live in PA, my friend in TX.   And oh my gosh the whole thing is just so awesome and joyful and I know she's going to be a fantastic mom.  But in the darker recesses of me....  the parts I don't ever let show?  I'm broken-hearted.  Her having this baby and getting to do all this?  It is a glaring reminder to me that I'm not.  I'm not even close.  We live in a house with no room for a baby.  And it's not like we're unwilling to move stuff around so there's some space...  there just isn't space.   Anywhere.  Do you even KNOW what kind of obstacle having to buy a whole different house is to having a baby?  We don't have the money for that.  It seems completely insurmountable at this point and I'm not getting any younger.  I'll be 33 in May and I don't think I want to have a baby past 36.  So I just don't know.  In the corner of my soul where I put my deepest fears...  that's where not ever getting to be a mom resides.  So while I am over the moon for her I am despondent for me and the two extremes of emotion finally got me last night and I dissolved into a hiccupping, sniffling, weeping mess.  

Today I also want to clean.  You may remember I did this just a couple weeks ago when my husband had a different photo assignment.  Yeah, the problem?  He came home and continued living here and he doesn't care about how much time and care I take with doing something and now???  Instead of him helping me keep it tidy?? It's back to the way it was and possibly worse.   So yeah, I have THAT to do today, too. 

So, dear friends, I'm going to get my butt out of this bed and get moving.  I have things to do today and time waits for no one.  Time...  and the guy at the shipping store who closes at 2.  

Hamlet's Mistress

Day 2 - Something You Love About Yourself

Trying to figure out what to post here has been humbling and pretty eye-opening. I thought of one thing right away, but it didn't seem to be enough "about me" to qualify. So I decided to come up with something else. And. I. Couldn't. This strikes me as not a good thing at all. Needless to say, I've realized I need to start making some changes.

At any rate, I'm sticking with the thing I thought of immediately.

I LOVE that I know about sports.

I won't play coy or humble here either. I know my shit when it comes to sports. Philly sports in particular. I'm the same as most people in that I know players names and I know who's good. But then it comes down to the details - the hows and the whys and the but no, because's... and I know that stuff, too. I yell when I see my offense setting the quarterback up in a shotgun formation when we only need to get one more yard. I understand that walking a guy can be good if you know the next guy up to the plate grounds out all the time and it's likely you'll be able to turn a double play. I get that quarterbacks can suck even when the team wins games (YOU HEAR THAT REDSKINS??? YEAH, HE'S DONE!). I call balls and strikes before the umpire and when I start to yell about a bad call, inevitably the announcers right there with me. I'm a slow starter in hockey, but I'm getting there and I imagine by the end of this season I'll be up to snuff with that.

I enjoy it. I know the people who try to seem intellectual talk about sports using terms like "the dumbing down of America" and "who cares about sports when there's a spotted owl dying right. this. second" or "there is disease and sickness and (mythical) global warming going on... how can you even care about sports????). Don't get me wrong... I care about the spotted owl and am sympathetic to the people who think that humans have caused (mythical) global warming and how they're so torn up about it. I do. I honestly do. But to the dumbing down of America? I attribute that to many things other than sports. If you can get a kid engaged in a football game and they actually sit for 4 hours and watch it??? I think they'll turn out better than the kids that go from one video game to another constantly needing bright lights, loud noises and shiny things.

But really, what it comes down to for me is there's such a difference between watching a sporting event and being mentally involved in it. I love the... *gasp* intellectual side of the game.

Don't get me wrong... the winning and the hot guys are good, too. I'm looking at you, Jayson Werth and Brent Celek. Yum.

Maybe if we name it...

There's been something going on in my life that I've been completely reluctant to write about.  Not because it's personal or anything, but I'm just going to bite the bullet.  Our home has taken on another resident.  It's been here about a week and a half now.  They say no matter where you are you're no further than 6 feet away from a spider.  Well, when I'm on the couch in my usual spot I am about 5 feet, one thin pane of glass and one screen away from one heck of a big, creepy spider.  It is about the size of a half-dollar including legs and its body is roughly the size of a dime with a big, thick abdomen. 

This spider has caused much rending of cloth and gnashing of teeth on my end.  I open the blind and it like charges down its web at me causing me to squeal and shriek and get the shakes and do that little fast stamping of feet we women do when we're equal parts scared and grossed out. 

The only reason I have not written about this before is because I feel like if I give power to this thing, this bane of my existence by publicly declaring my fear it will find a way into my home at night and while I'm laying in bed will slow-motion crawl its way up my leg, Arachnophobia style, and kill me because I don't have a flaming nail gun like Jeff Daniels had to kill his would-be spider attacker.  *Note to self: Keep flaming nail gun within reach at all times."   The monster spider would then, of course, kill me.  And though not my most nightmarish way to die...  that would be being buried alive...  it would still be most unfortunate. 

My husband, of course, is Mr. Practical and is all, "Hey, it's killing stinkbugs...  it's providing a service."  And even though I now truly believe that if the apocalypse is tomorrow...  zombie or otherwise...  that stinkbugs are all that would survive.  Well stinkbugs and Florence Henderson, because looking that good at 76 obviously means that she's too fly to die.  That being said, I'd take stinkbugs over this spider any day of the week.  All one hundred billion of them.  So I was not swayed by my husband's rational logic. 

Today, however, I was feeling like I must learn to coexist with this terrifying beast which lead to the following conversation between me and my husband whilst I gazed upon the spider's gruesome visage. 

Me:  Maybe if I name it, it won't scare me so much. 

Mister:  Maybe, if that works.

Me:  Ok, Lucy.  Her name is Lucy.

Mister:  Sure.   Feel better?

Me: Not even close.

Mister:  Do you want me to kill her?

Me:  *horrified gasp* But she has a NAME!!!  

My husband shall be nominated for sainthood someday... I swear he will.

So without further ado:

[caption id="attachment_315" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Internet, meet Lucy. I assume she'll be with us til Winter."][/caption]


So I'm going to go ahead and to this 30 Days of Truth thing that I saw here and here.

Basically here are the 30 topics:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

So I guess best to start at the beginning.

Day 1: Something I Hate About Myself

I hate my inability to follow through on pretty much anything.

I don't know what it is. I just stop doing whatever productive thing I'm doing at some point or another and then fail miserably at whatever it is I was trying to do. I fail simply because I stop. I'd probably be 75% more successful at life if I didn't quit stuff all the time. Sometimes I think it's fear of success... most of the time it's fear of failure and the rest of the time I know it's just plan laziness. So yeah, that. That is something, the main thing, that I hate about myself.


UPDATE!!   3/23/2011  - OMG  How funny is it that I didn't follow through with this 30 days of truth???  Now that's funny.   And?  A little sad.

Thirteen things I love about the Phillies...


2. Roy Oswalt

3. Cole Hamels

4. Carlos "Chooch" Ruiz - Especially Chooch.  I don't know what the hell you're sayin', baby.  But I love ya!!

5. Ryan Howard

6. Chase Utley

7. Jimmy Rollins

8. Placido Polanco

9. Jayson Werth

10. Shane Victorino

11. Raul Ibanez

12. Wilson Valdez

13. Charlie Manuel

Respect given = respect received.

I know this post is not going to appeal to a lot of my regular readers, but dammit, I'm irritated. 

I'm sick of how Philadelphia fans are viewed in relation to Donovan McNabb.  Especially a friend of mine who is a Redskins fan who is THRILLED at having McNabb and I guess he should be.  What was their record last year?  4 - 12 and placed 4th in the division...  out of...  four?  I guess Redskins fans WOULD be thrilled.   However, just because you're thrilled doesn't mean that the Philadelphia fans don't have some insight into the world that is, Donovan McNabb - Quarterback.   This friend of mine comes back at me with every valid point I make about McNabb.   Today I just wanted to ask him if he was a Yankees or Mets fan and he responded with "Neither, but I am a Redskins fan."  With a smiley face. (We hadn't spoken yet about Sunday's skirmish).   Oh, I might add that he thinks I'm under the illusion that the Eagles are going to make it to the post-season.  Yeah...  I'm a realist.  Don't belittle my sports knowledge.  Although looking around the NFL...  who knows... half the teams out there are 2 -2, so maybe there's a chance, but the fact is that I'm not some silly girl Eagles fan that thinks my team is going to win no matter what.  Hell, we don't even know who our quarterback is.  And no...  for what we want to do, we should NOT have kept Donovan McNabb. 

At any rate below, is my email response to my friend's one sentence email.   I'm sure it was more than he was expecting.  Oh and he's also one of these that is still harping on the Eagles fans booing Santa and cheering Michael Irvin's career ending injury.  Neither of those are true, but I'll save them for another day. 

So without further delay...  here is my reply.  And everyone out there who just doesn't get it???  Listen the hell up.  And if you're still a Philadelphia fan hater...  you can suck it.  With sauce and whiz. 

I know you are (a Redskins fan...  remember what I said his email said?).  I made the decision to not discuss the game with you because everything I would have to say, you would disagree with and I’ve been in your shoes.  I’ve seen the wins come that have very little to do with the prowess of the quarterback and I’ve, of course, seen the losses come that – more often than not – have everything to do with the prowess of the quarterback.  I’ve been there and defended McNabb and stood up for him and put on my grand armor of plausible deniability and gone to battle with those who would have bad-mouthed him.  And it lasted.  For a while.  It lasted about 2 years from 2005 – 2007 (the Superbowl broke me down and the Terrell Owens debacle finished off the job...  we could have won the next year if our "leader" had acted like a leader and not like a 4-year-old who wants all the attention)  and then I just couldn’t do it anymore.  So I know that talking with you about the new 'Skins quarterback is fruitless, because I’ve heard your arguments.  They sound a lot like mine used to.  And no one could have told me differently either.   So I’m not going to try.   Bottom line…  the guy is done.  Shanahan is terrified to let him throw the ball.   It couldn’t have been clearer of they’d said so in skywriting during the game.

Do you know what ELSE I saw that day?  Philadelphia fans being classy upon introduction of McNabb and welcoming back the best quarterback since Bednarik, to play for our city.   When he came out for his opening drive they booed.  But not at introduction.  In fact, I believe he got a standing ovation that lasted more than a couple minutes.   He would have enjoyed his time here a lot more had he taken two minutes to understand the fans here.  We’ve had other players take the time.  And to this day they love us.  Westbrook, Dawkins, Ike Reese, Hugh Douglas… they all bothered to get to know us and they love us.  He never bothered.  He never took the time.  He had a chip on his shoulder the whole time he was here.  He wasn’t booed at the draft ELEVEN YEARS AGO…  the CHOICE was.  People wanted Ricky Williams.  That’s who it seemed like they were taking, that’s who we’d all been lead to believe they were taking.  People were EXCITED about it and a big group of Ricky Williams fans went up to the draft and when they announced that it was Donovan that crew was shocked and dismayed and they booed.  They booed the CHOICE, not the MAN.  And that’s something he never bothered to understand and he kept his panties in a bunch over it for the entire 11 years.   We didn’t like him because he didn’t even pretend to like us.   Not because he couldn’t play.  That’s only been the reason the last few years.  We wanted to love him.  He did great things while he was here.  No one denies that.  But he didn't care about us.  He didn't respect us.  And therefore... the feeling was mutual. 

Hamlet's Mistress

For you... my dearest love and truest friend.

Seven and a half years ago we met.  10 months later you asked me to be yours.  Five years ago tomorrow, October 1st, you made me your wife.  We haven't had it easy.  We've had fights that could have brought down the walls of Jericho...  without the marching soldiers.  We always manage to come out stronger on the other side.  We've been through more than it seems most people go through in marriages three times longer than ours... and that have crumbled under the strain of just living.  I truly believe that means we're going to make it for the long haul.  Some people do stay together forever and I pray for us to be one of those couples that defies the odds.  The first two years were hell.  The last three have been close to Heaven. 

I know I am not the easiest person to deal with what with my 24=hour monthly mood swings, my occasional passive-agressiveness and my affinity for reality tv,   But you seem to love me more with each passing year...  not less.  And I know that I love you more today that I did yesterday and less than I will tomorrow. 

You stand beside me when the world is against me.  You stand behind me when I stand up for myself.   Most importantly, you stand facing me when I need to hear reason instead of following my own impulsive nature.   You make me laugh during the bad times and you comfort me during the worst of times.  You are my rock.  

The things you do that annoy me most are also the same things that make me smile when I'm not around you.  The funny voices,, the way you get almost high off of Dr. Pepper, the dumb songs you sing with our pets' names in them.  They all drive me crazy and yet endear you to me more all the time. 

You make me want to be a better woman... a better wife... a better person, but you let me know that no matter what, I'm great the way I am and I'm ok.  When I feel like I don't measure up, you remind me you're not measuring.  When I feel like I fall short, you remind me there's no finish line and when I feel like I'm lost, you remind me I'm always at home with you. 

You are not perfect and I am far from it, but we seem to be perfect together.  You said once that there will be days that one of us wants to just...  be done.  That sometimes it would be me and sometimes it would be you, but so long as we never both woke up that way...  we'd make it.  Well, baby, so far so good.  And despite the rain that is falling outside and the rain that has fallen in our lives...  tomorrow looks like it's going to be a beautiful day.  

So, to you...  the yin to my yang, the peanut butter to my jelly, the Hamlet to my Ophelia (minus the death stuff)...  happy anniversary.  May our love grow ever stronger.

All my love, all my life. 


Thursday Thirteen - Movies... again.

No... not more movie lines like last week. That took forever to come up with and half of them eluded you, dear readers. And it's never my intention to make you feel stupid. Regardless of the tone of some of my filled in answers. Which, yes, I filled in the answers to the unguessed quotes.

At any rate my Thursday Thirteen is the list of movies I have to stop and watch if I'm flipping channels and it happens to be on.

1. Miss Congeniality
2. The Fugitive
3. Sense & Sensibility
4. What A Girl Wants
5. Speed
6. Batman
7. You've Got Mail
8. The Matrix
9. Any Harry Potter movie
10. The Usual Suspects
11. Sixteen Candles
12. The Breakfast Club
13. Any Tim Burton/Johnny Depp Movie

Ok, so 9 and 13 are multiple movies. It's my list, I can cheat if I want to.

Hamlet's Mistress

Wordless Wednesday: Home Decorating

[caption id="attachment_269" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="This guy makes me smile every time I look at him."][/caption]

The gremlin in my head...

Lately I've been thinking about the way I talk to myself.   It's not great, I gotta say.  On the whole I think I'm a good person.  Kind, loyal, can look nice when I put some effort into it.  I have good self-esteem overall.  But there's this voice.  This little nagging voice.  And we all have it.  The one that creeps up our back and peers over our shoulder as we look in the mirror.  The one that talks in our ear when we walk into a room full of people we don't know.   The one that does a song and dance in our stomachs when we have to stand up and talk.  The one who predicts failure before we even begin a task.  

I hate that one.  It's so mean to me that I wish I could just silence it never to hinder me again.  Never to make me self-conscious or fill me with self-doubt.  I wish it was a tangible thing I could just cast off and unburden myself with.  Because it's spiteful and hateful and vindictive and insulting and I am its primary target.   It's me.  The other part of me.  And I'm so over it.  So ready to be done with it.   I don't need something talking to me that way.   I'm better than that and worth more I sometimes think I am.  

So let me ask you this for Talk to Me Tuesday...  do you have that voice?  Do you know it's just you?  And how long would you keep a friend you talked to you the way you talk to yourself?   I've kept mine for 32 years...  and I think it's time to let her go.  

Hamlet's Mistress

Must Do Monday #3

Ok, so last Monday my goals were to:

Keep bedroom clean: Bedroom still clean!!
Figure out the problem with my sink and tub drains in the bathroom: DONE - thank you industrial strength drain unclogger stuff!
Not spend any money from my checking account - Didn't do so well on this one. But it's not all gone, just $60.

So THIS week!!

1. Finish cleaning Dining room.
2. Keep dining room and living room clean.
3. Clean Kitchen.
4. Clean bathroom.
5. Pay the landscaper.

Hamlet's Mistress

The Best Laid Plans...

I guess I shouldn't use that as a title.  Yesterday was mildly successful.  My family room is beautiful again and my dining room is 95% beautiful. However, as with most things I try to plan it became foiled by my own clumsiness. At one point I was stepping over the treadmill with a pile of framed photos in my hands and forgetting that there was a collapsed box on the floor on the other side of the treadmill (my husband is a big ebayer so boxes and bubble wrap are all over... or were before yesterday) and when I stepped over, my front foot landed on the box, which slid forward and I ended up almost falling... photos went everywhere and my back foot... the one that was still on the other side of the treadmill ended up hitting the treadmill with swift velocity right on the ankle. It seemed ok for awhile. Numb at first and I kept working in the house for about another half hour to 45 minutes. Then? My ankle started to throb and I looked down and it had swollen to another half size bigger and was hella painful. So I had to sit for awhile with ice on it and then a splitting headache started up. So that was about the end of the cleaning and began the day of watching the Penn State game and hanging out with my husband when he got home and then watching The Wedding Date/Phillies game and then Miss Congeniality.

But I am happy with what I did get done and next week he has another photo assignment so whatever I don't get done this week I can finish up Saturday. Although, that would include the kitchen... maybe I should avoid the knives.

Hamlet's Mistress

Today's the day!!

Holy crap, ya'll.  I didn't know "before 10am" even existed on the weekend.  It's not even EIGHT yet and I'm up.  Yes, I'm in my bathroom.  Not dressed or anything.  But I'm CONSCIOUS, which is AMAZING.  I have  roughly a little over 7 hours until my husband comes back in the door.  I have one errand to run but other than that I will be here and focused.  Although focusing has never been my strong suit.

I was going to take before and after pictures to show you what I get done today, but the reasons I can't are two-fold....  1.  my husband took the Audi which our camera was in so, I just can't and sketching it out would just take up way too much of my short time and 2.  I have no desire to be that mortified when it doesn't involve me running through stopped traffic naked....  in a dream. 

So I must get working, people.  And today around 2:30 when the Penn State game is in its 3rd quarter, I have a feeling I'll be watching it through my eyelids.... 

On and on a side note...  The Flyers opened training camp yesterday!!  HELLS YEAH!!

Hamlet's Mistress

Tommorow - So full of anticipation...

My husband has a photo assignment tomorrow.   Let me say that again.  My HUSBAND has a photo assignment TOMORROW.  Now, this isn't a big deal for any obvious reason, like we need money or he's trying to break into the business or anything.  He was a freelance photographer for 10 years for the Philly Metro and the Philadelphia Eagles and the Phillies.  He's been in Sports Illustrated a few times and even did the front cover photo of the hardback autobiography for a very famous, now deceased, baseball player.  So going out tomorrow to take pictures of like little kids playing soccer for Memory Mates isn't that big a deal.  

Here's why I'm practically GIDDY about it.   My husband and I carpool.  And we run errands together.  And we have the same friends and hang out with them together.  So what this means is we are together all. the. time.  Like ALL the time.  Other than the 8 hours we're at work.  Which, yeah, it's work... so not really quality "me" time.  Two weeks from today we will have been married for 5 years.  In that 5 years I have had time alone ummm....  maybe a handful of times....  so yeah, I'm due for some. 

I'm so excited about the prospect of 6 - 7 hours on my own at home.  I've been wanting to clean.  Like overhaul clean for ages but there's never time with the long hours away from home during the week and the errands and general goofing off that must be done on the weekend.    Dear readers, my husband is going to come home to a completely different looking house on Saturday and no...  he won't notice...  and no, unless I say something he won't say anything about it.  But I'LL know it's done.  I'LL know it looks better and I'LL feel some degree of satisfaction and pride in a job well done.   I could NOT be more excited.  I can't wait.  I'm even going to have us stop on the way home today so I can buy new cleaning supplies.  Or I'll buy them at lunch today.  Yeah, that's what I'll do. 

So think of me Saturday, cleaning my little heart out.  I promise I won't sleep the day away.  (I think.)  Unless something untoward happens like waking up sick or something.   I'm going to be Little Suzy Homemaker tomorrow and I can't effing wait. 

Oh and yeah, next Saturday??   Another photo assignment!!!  The house will be clean so the possibilities are ENDLESS...

Hamlet's Mistress

Thursday Thirteen - Movie Quotes

I love movies. Love them. Here are some lines that for one reason or another make me smile, laugh or cry.
I'm going to leave out the movie titles.  Might be fun for people to guess.   2, 12 and 13 have been guessed!!! 

1. "When someone asks you if you're a god... you say YES!"  - Ghostbusters - Guessed by Brenda.

2. "Thank YOU, Chuck Norris."  - Dodgeball - Guessed by Spot!!

3. "I'm not an ambi-turner.* - Zoolander - Not Guessed

4. "You have no idea how many legends have walked these halls, and what's worse... you don't care. Because this place where so many people would die to work, you only deign to work."  - Devil Wears Prada guessed by TxtingMrDarcy.

5. "It was you." "No, Ray. It was you." - Field of Dreams - not guessed

6. "Sometimes it makes me sad, though... Andy being gone. I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend. " - Shawshank Redemption also guessed by TxtingMrDarcy.

7. "Last night, Darth Vader came down from planet Vulcan and told me that if I didn't take Lorraine out that he'd melt my brain. " - Back to the Future - not guessed (seriously??? Come on, people!)

8. "Ha! Your pig fiance is too late!" - Princess Bride - Not effing guessed. How did no one get this??

9. "I just adore everything Persian." "You've been to Persia, then?" "Yes, a hundred times. Along with St. Petersburg, Paris, Middle-Earth, distant planets and Shangri-la. And I never had to leave this room. Books are adventure. They contain murder and mayhem and passion. They love anyone who opens them." - Inkheart - I knew no one would get this, but it's one of my favorite movies and I've made it my mission to spread Inkheart awareness.

10.   "Run and hide, asshole. Run and hide. If you should be picked up next week buying a hundred-thousand dollar sports car in Newport Beach, I am going to be supremely disappointed. Because I want my people to find you, and when they do, rest assured we are not going to hand you over to the police. So my advice to you again is this: run and hide. That is all that I ask." - Ocean's 11 - not guessed.

11. "They’re called boobs, Ed." - Erin Brockovich - not guessed

12. "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."   - The Usual Suspects guessed by Steph.

13. " If we wanted two wussies, we would have named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman!"  - Talladega Nights - The Ballad of Ricky Bobby - also guessed by guessed by Steph.

Wow. So much harder than I thought, but I'm also working at the same time. But there you go. Thirteen quotes for Thursday Thirteen!

Wordless Wednesday - Beauty at my house.

[caption id="attachment_199" align="aligncenter" width="495" caption="Unexpected beauty. We swept some birdseed of our porch directly above this months ago. And Ta-da!! A Sunflower growing from the driveway!"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_204" align="aligncenter" width="496" caption="Knockout Rose. Was prettier a week or two ago. It has literally doubled in size since April."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_206" align="aligncenter" width="521" caption="I love this flower. It's called Guara. Like the knockout I planted it last year. It came back this year so beautifully."][/caption]

Bachelor Pad - Not just sex and debaucery...

Though there was plenty of that as well.  But seriously...  hands down the best strategy reality show I have ever seen.  The game-play was amazing.  I was enthralled every single week from the opening review of the week before to the closing preview of the following week.  It kept me guessing and yelling and endlessly talking about it to my husband who would rather push nails into his own eyeballs than watch it.  

I thought it was fantastic every week up and including the very last minute.  It was extraordinarily well done.  And that's saying a lot for a show full of so much smut, alcohol and cleavage.  

These two people played the game start to finish and deserve every penny of the $250000 they decided to share.   

[caption id="attachment_194" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Um, yeah, how yummy is HE?"][/caption]


At least hopefully it'll be a VERY LONG TIME before I hear Wes sing that damn song again.  Though I smell a Wes/Gia reality show.  I hope not. 

Anyway... Great show.  Great concept.  I guess we need like 17 more Bachelor/Bachelorette seasons before we have a cast of characters large enough to do this show again.   At any rate I enjoyed the ever-loving crap out of it.   Those who would judge me for it can suck it.  

Hamlet's Mistress

Talk to me Tuesday - Where would you live?

Sometimes it's interesting to imagine living somewhere else.  Wondering how geography might impact more than we think in our lives. 

As for me, I don't know which city I'd be in, but I'd definitely be in North Carolina.  My husband and I talk about it all the time.  Even though we live in Amishville, USA we're so tired of life in the Northeast Corridor and want to get the eff out.  It feels smothering.   We love North Carolina.  We'd love to be closer than 10 hours from the Outer Banks... our favorite vacation spot... and just be South.   Somewhere around Charlotte or Raleigh.  Asheville is getting just a bit too far inland and would still make OBX about 7 hours...  too far.   I know there's stress everywhere.  Life breeds stress, but the slower pace south of the Mason/Dixon just seems like it would suit us far better.  

So where would you be?   If you had to call someplace home other than you already do where would it be?   What state or country and why? 

Hamlet's Mistress

Must-Do Monday #2

It's that time again.  Tim to confess my slackerness on the prior week and set up some tasks to do this week.   So here goes!

Last week my goes were threefold. 

1.  Clean the bedroom. - Done - YAY!

2.  Buy my yarn for the froggie hooded blanket I need to make that I'm getting paid for. - Done - YAY!

3.  Lose 2 pounds.  - Didn't happen.

So the two main things got done.  The third I just threw in on a whim. 

So this week...   tasks are:

1.  Buy drain cleaner for sink and tub in bathroom because my God, I cannot stand them backing up.  And they do.  Horribly.

2.  Keep bedroom tidy - because cleaning up has never been my problem.  Keeping it that way has.  

3.  Do not spend any more money out of the checking account until payday (the 24th).  I got that walking around money out for a reason when I deposited my last check..  When that's gone...  it's gone.  If that means I have $58 to get me through 10 days of lunches, so be it.  Maybe I can talk the Mr. into us going grocery shopping this coming weekend.  (yes we grocery shop together).

4.  Get kitchen sink dish free and keep it that way.  

My husband has a photo assignment this weekend, so that will give me a chance to really get some work done in the house.  I'm excited.  I hate cleaning when he's there and since we're always together, he's always there when I'm there.  I already can't wait for Saturday and hopefully next Monday I'll have a whole crapload of stuff to tell you all I got done.  

Hamlet's Mistress

On fat acceptance, self-worth and plus-size clothing companies...

First off, I have to say I hate the term "fat acceptance".  Like it's some burden on people to be ok with someone else being fat.  That I don't like.  Even if it is introspective, as in someone accepting that they are fat...  can't there be another term?  Like can't we just use self-acceptance?  Although, I guess that doesn't really work because you can be sel-accepting without being content about how you look or feel.  So maybe "fat acceptance" is as good as it gets and so long as it's on the introspective level, I guess it's ok. 

That said, I have the utmost respect for my compatriots of the chubba who have reached the realm of "fat acceptance" (FA from here on out because I even hate typing it.)  I wish I could get there.  I wish I could just be happy with being healthy and not let the number on the scale get me down.  I wish I could.  I can't.  I've tried and I can't get there and I'm not sure I want to. 

Make no mistake, I do not tie my self-worth to a number on the scale.  I'm nice and funny and kind, sympathetic and fiercely loyal - until you give me a reason not to be.  I know I'm someone worth knowing and worth loving and I know I have something to contribute to this place for as many turns around the sun as I'm given.  I'm telling you, as soon as I figure out what that something is...  I'm going to set the world on fire.  So I know my weight doesn't define me and I don't think about it all the time.  But I'm not cool with it.  I'm just not.  I want to wear the cute pretty clothes, I want to be perceived as on the ball and not prejudged as being lazy or not in control of myself.  I hate the stigma that comes with being overweight and I do wish I had the gumption to fight it.  But I don't.  I'd rather be trim.  Or even just average sized at this point.   

This is another reason why I wish I could find a career that earns a decent income but doesn't take me away from home for 13 hours a day.  I want time to prepare the right foods.  Time to exercise.  Time to get a full nights' sleep.  I feel like there's just no way to get it done.   Yes, I could exercise at night I suppose.  After I return home after the super long day away from home.  After I've spent 8+ hours at the most stressful job I've ever had that is not rewarding, not inspiring and that I hate.  But you know what????  I'm tired.  I want to spend the last few hours of the day doing what I want to do instead of what everyone else wants me to do.  And I certainly don't want to spend it sweating my ass off, huffing and puffing and just generally being gross.  Maybe I'm just lazy.  Probably.  It's more than likely my fault.  

I would never ever do it, but I daydream about grabbing a fat roll and a knife and just cutting it off.   Again...  never would...  don't send the men in the white coats to come gather me up for my own good.  I may daydream about it, but I also hate pain and blood and anything to do with pain...  and blood.  So fear not.  self-mutilation is not on my agenda. 

All I know is I watched my grandmother spend the last 7 years of her life in a chair and the last 5 months of her life in bed because of her health and being so overweight her whole adult life.  I don't want that for me.  I don't want that for my husband.  And I don't want that for any future children we may have.   And while I'm on the subject of kids...  I want to have a healthy pregnancy and I know stuff can always go wrong regardless of size, but  I don't want to increase the risks by something I can do something about.   Plus, I've had some issues already back in my 20s when I had to have a procedure to try to shrink, but not remove a good-sized benign tumor.  Why not removed?  Because it goes from the inside to the outside of my uterus.  Meaning if it wasn't there...  there'd be a hole and my doctor said she's had two women with the same kind of internal to external tumor and both of them had it removed and it weakens the uterus and they both miscarried around 17 to 20 weeks and she had no desire to make it 3 and if I got it removed, that was my choice, but she wouldn't be my doctor when and if I ever got pregnant.  That was enough motivation for me to not have it done.  I already know if I have a baby it won't be a vaginal birth and it will be a higher risk pregnancy, though not high risk.  Do I really want to add to that with the issues that I invite by being this weight and getting pregnant?  No.  That would be the answer.  No. 

So, I just don't know.  The easy answer is to lose weight.  The hard part is the execution.  I suck at it horribly and, as you can tell, I don't really go into it with a positive attitude.  Oh, I used to.  Like the first 16 times.  But now?  I think I'm so scared to fail that I don't even want to try.  But I DO want to try and I DO want to succeed. 

I haven't made it to the top of that FA mountain.  And I have no intention to.  So what to actually do instead of that is the question.  If I'm not going to accept my body as it is, then I'm going to have to do something else because my other choice is just to stay miserable in relation to my body.  And I don't want to dwell in that place anymore.  I've been there for about 7 years and as far as I'm concerned...  I've overstayed my welcome.  I'm ready to go.  I'm face to face with the next step.

Along these same lines...  while I'm trying to figure all this out, I still do need to clothe my body.  So I have to buy plus size clothes.  Can SOMEONE please tell me WHY in God's name companies who specialize in plus size clothing think it's a good idea to use effing size 2 models to display the clothes???  They're not going to look like this  on me.  It's just not.  All this does is make me feel like crap when my new clothes arrive and they don't fit.  If you're going to sell plus -size clothes...  use plus-size models so we have SOME WAY to make a judgement on how this stuff will actually look on our NON-size 2 bodies.  Seriously.  I'm looking at you Woman Within, One Stop Plus, Roaman's and many many others.  On and ya'll charge me $6.50 every single time I have to return something because my mind couldn't increase the size of your models by 8 sizes to know if they'll work out before I buy them.  Yeah, thanks for that.  Jerks.  


Hamlet's Mistress

Much to my chagrin...

As part of my being away from my home like 13 hours a day Mon - Fri and then needing to run errands and just generally get shit done pn the weekends it has become part of my normal life to hire a landscaper to keep my flowerbeds weed free.  I plant the flowers, I make them pretty and the landscaper keeps them that way.  Around April I had them cut back my butterfly bush.  The butterfly bush that was the  draw for my Wordless Wednesday photo. 

I emailed the landscaper to ask him and his crew to come out, tend the weeds and cut back my weeping cherry tree so it would look more like a weeping cherry and less like Don King. So imagine my initial joy when I came home to weed free flower beds and a weeping cherry that was once again in the shape of a dome. I never know when they're coming so it's always a delightful treat. And THEN I let the dogs out and was face to face with a huge void by the side of my house where my BUTTERFLY BUSH USED TO BE!! It had been cut back to about 12 inches. Normally butterfly bushes don't get cut back until April when first new growth begins to appear.

Now on the one hand, the bush WAS huge and getting out of hand and could have stood a good TRIM back. But they hacked it down to its Spring stub. So I don't know how I feel about this. My husband said that the thing was huge, which, yeah, I know. But it's GONE. Butterflies LOVED that thing and even still yesterday they were on it by the dozens. Now? Gone. I even saw one sad Tiger Swallowtail flying around and I could just hear its little brain saying, "What the FRIG???" It was kinda depressing.

So yeah, I'm not sure how to approach this. I guess the biggest part of me is just like "Whatev." But at the same time, the cutting back of that bush is $40 and I expected about a $30 invoice and it will now be more like $75 - $90. *sigh* Not to mention poor Mr. Tiger Swallowtail...

Hamlet's Mistress