A Letter to my Neighbor

Dear Neighbor:

You seem like a decent guy.  You do.  And I do like that when things seem awry in our neighborhood you patrol it with a Colt45 tucked into your belt given the responding police are 40 minutes away.  But knowing that you're a slightly different guy with a house full of guns gives me pause to bring this up to your face.  Not because I think you'd shoot me, but because I don't want our house left off your rounds when a stranger walks into another neighbor's house thinking she's not home (we're guessing to rob her) but finds her sitting in her easy chair in the living room and runs out.  Like I said, it gives me pause...   a long pause.

But if I WERE going to say anything to you it would be along the lines of "When I want your opinion on my weight I will ask you for it, you misogynistic jerk... got it?"  Because honestly, I am sorry that the previous neighbor with her tight body, fake boobs and highly age inappropriate clothing moved out and this fattie moved in three years ago thereby effectively removing your eye candy, but them's the breaks.  You can't win 'em all, buddy and I do not need you telling my husband that when he mows that I should follow behind him and gather up the grass clippings because, according to you, I could "use the exercise".  Really?   REALLY?

And, I will admit, at first I was mad at my husband for not sticking up for me, but really, it's just not worth it.  Plus, depending on how it went down that could be something that would ALSO leave us off your rounds and  I just don't want that. And I was irritated that he didn't tell you that I've lost 25 pounds in the last 3 months but the more I thought about it, I'm glad he didn't - because why on earth would that be any of your concern or business?

So speaking of business I would suggest that you mind yours or I will keep up with the passive aggressive behavior I've been employing all night of "mistakenly" leaving on the side porch light which shines right in your bedroom window.  At this point I'm only intending on doing it for about a year.

So when I see you outside and our eyes meet and you look like you might make a move to come down the hill to shoot the crap with me, don't be offended when I quickly take the dogs back into the house.  It's only because I think you're a jerk.

But thanks for your vigilante like method of law enforcement   It is appreciated.  Your opinions, however, about MY body?  Are not.

The old ball and chain of your neighbor...
Amy

Living Healthy

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A fattie's point of view...

Ok, so we all know by now that a ton (no pun intended) of drama has arisen due to the article by Maura Kelly that was done for Marie Claire about fat people. The outcry has been just stifling. This tells me a few things. One... non-overweight people who defend overweight people are awesome. Two... Overweight people are awesome. Three... there are far too many overweight people. I am one of them. So don't get me wrong. I'm not skinny minny Maura Kelly judging others. In fact that's not even what I want to talk about.

I more want to respond to this post by Aunt Becky about how fat people are treated. And yes, being fat, I know that we are treated differently by some people.  Those people?  They judge everyone for one thing or another.  I know the ideas that ARE out there about overweight people.   We are prejudged as being lazy, unclean and odoriferous. Yes. I know this. However, I truly believe that a lot of the prejudices that we feel are being unjustly levied... aren't really. Being levied, I mean. Not that they wouldn't be unjust if they WERE being levied, because they certainly would be.

I have always worried when going on a job interview about being fat and having that keep me from getting the job. It has never happened. I am always self-conscious about what I order in restaurants because I think people are looking. For the past year I've taken some time to look around and you know what? People aren't looking. Now before you start thinking that I'm only a little overweight and that's why I don't notice any backlash.. that is not the case. I am 100lbs overweight. I wear a size 20. I'm not a 14 or 16 that still looks fantastic even though I've got some chubba to spare. I am just fat.

I am completely self-conscious about my weight, don't get me wrong, but when I go out to stores... men do hold the door for me because 1. clearly they see me coming and 2. I'm looking at them as I walk up. There's no way for someone to look at you and then deliberately not hold the door. But if you're overweight and visibly self-conscious about it... like looking down when you walk... then it is easy to be ignored. Regardless of size. At store counters and registers... I LOOK at the clerk in their eyeballs and I've never had one deliberately NOT look back at me. When I smile, they smile back and I'm not all that attractive. I don't even have the "she's got such a pretty face" going for me... so that's not it either. It's confidence. Regardless of size, people have always been and always will be attracted to confidence.

Am I confident? No. But every time I'm out there and I act confident and in turn I'm not treated like "the fat girl" does it boost my confidence... absolutely.

I guess I'm saying all of this to say... don't act like the ashamed fat girl. Be proud of yourself even if you aren't happy with how you look and you want to change it... still be proud of yourself. Of the person you are inside. And it will shine through. You will be surprised how many of those slights that you see and feel everywhere now either fade away or were never there at all.

Trust me. We are not invisible. I think THAT much is obvious. :)

On fat acceptance, self-worth and plus-size clothing companies...

First off, I have to say I hate the term "fat acceptance".  Like it's some burden on people to be ok with someone else being fat.  That I don't like.  Even if it is introspective, as in someone accepting that they are fat...  can't there be another term?  Like can't we just use self-acceptance?  Although, I guess that doesn't really work because you can be sel-accepting without being content about how you look or feel.  So maybe "fat acceptance" is as good as it gets and so long as it's on the introspective level, I guess it's ok. 

That said, I have the utmost respect for my compatriots of the chubba who have reached the realm of "fat acceptance" (FA from here on out because I even hate typing it.)  I wish I could get there.  I wish I could just be happy with being healthy and not let the number on the scale get me down.  I wish I could.  I can't.  I've tried and I can't get there and I'm not sure I want to. 

Make no mistake, I do not tie my self-worth to a number on the scale.  I'm nice and funny and kind, sympathetic and fiercely loyal - until you give me a reason not to be.  I know I'm someone worth knowing and worth loving and I know I have something to contribute to this place for as many turns around the sun as I'm given.  I'm telling you, as soon as I figure out what that something is...  I'm going to set the world on fire.  So I know my weight doesn't define me and I don't think about it all the time.  But I'm not cool with it.  I'm just not.  I want to wear the cute pretty clothes, I want to be perceived as on the ball and not prejudged as being lazy or not in control of myself.  I hate the stigma that comes with being overweight and I do wish I had the gumption to fight it.  But I don't.  I'd rather be trim.  Or even just average sized at this point.   

This is another reason why I wish I could find a career that earns a decent income but doesn't take me away from home for 13 hours a day.  I want time to prepare the right foods.  Time to exercise.  Time to get a full nights' sleep.  I feel like there's just no way to get it done.   Yes, I could exercise at night I suppose.  After I return home after the super long day away from home.  After I've spent 8+ hours at the most stressful job I've ever had that is not rewarding, not inspiring and that I hate.  But you know what????  I'm tired.  I want to spend the last few hours of the day doing what I want to do instead of what everyone else wants me to do.  And I certainly don't want to spend it sweating my ass off, huffing and puffing and just generally being gross.  Maybe I'm just lazy.  Probably.  It's more than likely my fault.  

I would never ever do it, but I daydream about grabbing a fat roll and a knife and just cutting it off.   Again...  never would...  don't send the men in the white coats to come gather me up for my own good.  I may daydream about it, but I also hate pain and blood and anything to do with pain...  and blood.  So fear not.  self-mutilation is not on my agenda. 

All I know is I watched my grandmother spend the last 7 years of her life in a chair and the last 5 months of her life in bed because of her health and being so overweight her whole adult life.  I don't want that for me.  I don't want that for my husband.  And I don't want that for any future children we may have.   And while I'm on the subject of kids...  I want to have a healthy pregnancy and I know stuff can always go wrong regardless of size, but  I don't want to increase the risks by something I can do something about.   Plus, I've had some issues already back in my 20s when I had to have a procedure to try to shrink, but not remove a good-sized benign tumor.  Why not removed?  Because it goes from the inside to the outside of my uterus.  Meaning if it wasn't there...  there'd be a hole and my doctor said she's had two women with the same kind of internal to external tumor and both of them had it removed and it weakens the uterus and they both miscarried around 17 to 20 weeks and she had no desire to make it 3 and if I got it removed, that was my choice, but she wouldn't be my doctor when and if I ever got pregnant.  That was enough motivation for me to not have it done.  I already know if I have a baby it won't be a vaginal birth and it will be a higher risk pregnancy, though not high risk.  Do I really want to add to that with the issues that I invite by being this weight and getting pregnant?  No.  That would be the answer.  No. 

So, I just don't know.  The easy answer is to lose weight.  The hard part is the execution.  I suck at it horribly and, as you can tell, I don't really go into it with a positive attitude.  Oh, I used to.  Like the first 16 times.  But now?  I think I'm so scared to fail that I don't even want to try.  But I DO want to try and I DO want to succeed. 

I haven't made it to the top of that FA mountain.  And I have no intention to.  So what to actually do instead of that is the question.  If I'm not going to accept my body as it is, then I'm going to have to do something else because my other choice is just to stay miserable in relation to my body.  And I don't want to dwell in that place anymore.  I've been there for about 7 years and as far as I'm concerned...  I've overstayed my welcome.  I'm ready to go.  I'm face to face with the next step.

Along these same lines...  while I'm trying to figure all this out, I still do need to clothe my body.  So I have to buy plus size clothes.  Can SOMEONE please tell me WHY in God's name companies who specialize in plus size clothing think it's a good idea to use effing size 2 models to display the clothes???  They're not going to look like this  on me.  It's just not.  All this does is make me feel like crap when my new clothes arrive and they don't fit.  If you're going to sell plus -size clothes...  use plus-size models so we have SOME WAY to make a judgement on how this stuff will actually look on our NON-size 2 bodies.  Seriously.  I'm looking at you Woman Within, One Stop Plus, Roaman's and many many others.  On and ya'll charge me $6.50 every single time I have to return something because my mind couldn't increase the size of your models by 8 sizes to know if they'll work out before I buy them.  Yeah, thanks for that.  Jerks.  

sigh

Hamlet's Mistress