A Letter to my Neighbor

Dear Neighbor:

You seem like a decent guy.  You do.  And I do like that when things seem awry in our neighborhood you patrol it with a Colt45 tucked into your belt given the responding police are 40 minutes away.  But knowing that you're a slightly different guy with a house full of guns gives me pause to bring this up to your face.  Not because I think you'd shoot me, but because I don't want our house left off your rounds when a stranger walks into another neighbor's house thinking she's not home (we're guessing to rob her) but finds her sitting in her easy chair in the living room and runs out.  Like I said, it gives me pause...   a long pause.

But if I WERE going to say anything to you it would be along the lines of "When I want your opinion on my weight I will ask you for it, you misogynistic jerk... got it?"  Because honestly, I am sorry that the previous neighbor with her tight body, fake boobs and highly age inappropriate clothing moved out and this fattie moved in three years ago thereby effectively removing your eye candy, but them's the breaks.  You can't win 'em all, buddy and I do not need you telling my husband that when he mows that I should follow behind him and gather up the grass clippings because, according to you, I could "use the exercise".  Really?   REALLY?

And, I will admit, at first I was mad at my husband for not sticking up for me, but really, it's just not worth it.  Plus, depending on how it went down that could be something that would ALSO leave us off your rounds and  I just don't want that. And I was irritated that he didn't tell you that I've lost 25 pounds in the last 3 months but the more I thought about it, I'm glad he didn't - because why on earth would that be any of your concern or business?

So speaking of business I would suggest that you mind yours or I will keep up with the passive aggressive behavior I've been employing all night of "mistakenly" leaving on the side porch light which shines right in your bedroom window.  At this point I'm only intending on doing it for about a year.

So when I see you outside and our eyes meet and you look like you might make a move to come down the hill to shoot the crap with me, don't be offended when I quickly take the dogs back into the house.  It's only because I think you're a jerk.

But thanks for your vigilante like method of law enforcement   It is appreciated.  Your opinions, however, about MY body?  Are not.

The old ball and chain of your neighbor...


Anonymous said...

What a jackass! It's no wonder the guy's alone with only his guns for company. Go you with the 25, though!! That's awesome!!

Anonymous said...

Yes, well done with the 25 pounds! I have a neighbor who enjoys telling me about my income--as if he has any idea at all--along with tips about how we could save money, what we can and cannot afford, etc. I wonder along with you where they get the nerve.

Spot said...

And this is why I do not have neighbors. And hopefully, never will again.

First-- woot woot on the 25 pounds! Second-- I'm pretty sure his picture is next to "jerkwad" in the dictionary. Some people just don't have enough fun managing their own lives, they have to try to do everyone else's as well.

Ex-lax brownies are definitely an acceptable present for Mr. Judgemental.


Anonymous said...

Wow. Wow. And once again I'm left wanting to beat the shit out of someone I've never even met.

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