The day before me...

It's 9am and I'm still in bed.  I have a myriad of things to do today and even though there's nothing large to be done, I think I'm overwhelmed.  I suppose first I ought to explain why I haven't been here in like, nigh on a week.   Nigh on...  you like that?   I love old phrases people don't say anymore like "per near".   I love whipping out "per near" when appropriate and seeing how people react.   At any rate, I wasn't here because I was sick and one of my cats was sick and then I was REALLY sick.  Except for some crap in my throat and no voice, I'm better now...  so is my cat.  All he needed was a remedy.  HA!  All I needed was a miracle, all I needed was you.   Ok.  Geez, enough with that.  I'm so all over the place.   So anyway everyone is better, though that terrible cold and allergic reaction to Claritan D (note to self, you CANNOT take Claritan D) per near killed me.  (Eh? Eh?). 

My husband left like a half hour ago for another photography job.  This one is all day.  He asked a bunch of times if I wanted to come and help, which hello?, of course not.  That's another Saturday with several hours to call my own and do with what I want.  So then last night when the Rangers clinched the ACLS I said to him "YAY!!  That means the Phillies will be a night game tomorrow and you'll see it!"   He said, "Yeah, maybe the last hour of it, the last game I shoot tomorrow starts at 8."   WHAT????  When he'd told me it was an all day assignment I figured it meant he'd leave at like when he did and get home around 5 or 6.  Um...  no.  ALL DAY and he'll be home around 9:30.  So then he was like "Now you see why I thought you might want to come?"  To which I followed with "And all that guy was going to pay me was FIFTY BUCKS????"  So glad I stood firm in not wanting to go because hooo boy, if I had agreed to go and then found out last night that it was like REALLY all day???  I'd have not been happy.   And $50 bucks?  Really?   The only downside???  I now have to watch the Phillies game all stressed out and on the edge of my seat alone!!!  I mean I'll have the dogs and the cats, but they're not really gonna care.   They're just going to get annoyed with my yelling (in my little half voice) hopefully I'll be yelling a lot of "YEAH!!!!!!" and not many expletives.

Anyway, I have stuff to do today.  Remember that froggie headed blanket I finished like months ago?  Well, I'm actually going to send it out today so this morning I need to weave in a couple ends and wash and dry it and get it to the shipping place.  OH!  I need to sew one of my tags on to it, too.   Hmmmmm.....   Before shipping it I need to buy a card and write some hugely profound and lovely thing for my best friend who will be a mom in 11 days...or less.  I actually broke down and just sobbed last night when I thought about it.  I mean I am so happy for her.  SO COMPLETELY HAPPY and so excited and am also so excited that I'm actually going to see the baby about a week after she's born.  I live in PA, my friend in TX.   And oh my gosh the whole thing is just so awesome and joyful and I know she's going to be a fantastic mom.  But in the darker recesses of me....  the parts I don't ever let show?  I'm broken-hearted.  Her having this baby and getting to do all this?  It is a glaring reminder to me that I'm not.  I'm not even close.  We live in a house with no room for a baby.  And it's not like we're unwilling to move stuff around so there's some space...  there just isn't space.   Anywhere.  Do you even KNOW what kind of obstacle having to buy a whole different house is to having a baby?  We don't have the money for that.  It seems completely insurmountable at this point and I'm not getting any younger.  I'll be 33 in May and I don't think I want to have a baby past 36.  So I just don't know.  In the corner of my soul where I put my deepest fears...  that's where not ever getting to be a mom resides.  So while I am over the moon for her I am despondent for me and the two extremes of emotion finally got me last night and I dissolved into a hiccupping, sniffling, weeping mess.  

Today I also want to clean.  You may remember I did this just a couple weeks ago when my husband had a different photo assignment.  Yeah, the problem?  He came home and continued living here and he doesn't care about how much time and care I take with doing something and now???  Instead of him helping me keep it tidy?? It's back to the way it was and possibly worse.   So yeah, I have THAT to do today, too. 

So, dear friends, I'm going to get my butt out of this bed and get moving.  I have things to do today and time waits for no one.  Time...  and the guy at the shipping store who closes at 2.  

Hamlet's Mistress